Delivering a stillborn baby… 30 years on the memory still chokes me up
In my book - ‘What is My Child Telling Me, That I’m Not Getting …….Yet?’ I share the most profound heartbreak that I’ve had in my life - the delivery of Baby Phillip as a stillborn at 28 weeks.
This month I’ll be attending a ‘Nourishing August Retreat’ to mark his memory. This will be my own personal and private memorial to my second son on his 30th anniversary.
This is the locked wooden box that I stored his memories in - his photo, a curl of his hair, the letters and cards I received from family and friends …..over the years I lost the key….but that’s ok because a back up of these memories resides permanently in my heart.
Phillip’s apparent unexplained death by health professionals became a motivating factor and a lifelong journey of personal and professional development which propelled me into the world of Pre & Perinatal Education. I have used my extensive knowledge and skills to help other mums and partners to make sense of the traumatic deliveries and births they have experienced. I guide them on a path of healing their wounds through interpreting and understanding Baby Body Language and much more.
It’s a known fact that violent conflict in societies has far-reaching consequences for the unborn child and a mum’s emotional health and well being during her pregnancy and delivery ………I live in hope of a progressive world where kindness, compassion and empathy are the norm.
Here are some key statistics and facts about stillbirth in the UK:
Stillbirth Rate: As of the latest data from 2021, the stillbirth rate in the UK was approximately 3.8 per 1,000 total births. This represents a continued decline from previous years, reflecting efforts to improve maternal and foetal healthcare.
Regional Variations: There are regional variations in stillbirth rates within the UK. Some areas have higher rates than others, often linked to factors such as socioeconomic status, access to healthcare, and maternal health.
Risk Factors: Several factors can increase the risk of stillbirth, including maternal age (older mothers are at higher risk), obesity, smoking during pregnancy, and certain medical conditions like diabetes or hypertension.
Reduction Efforts: The UK government and health organisations have set targets to reduce the stillbirth rate. The NHS, for example, has been working towards halving the rate of stillbirths by 2025 through initiatives like improved prenatal care, better monitoring of high-risk pregnancies, and public health campaigns to address modifiable risk factors.
Support and Awareness: There are numerous support organisations in the UK, such as Sands (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society), that provide support to families affected by stillbirth and work to raise awareness and funding for research into its causes and prevention.
These statistics highlight ongoing challenges but also reflect progress in reducing the incidence of stillbirth through improved healthcare and awareness
The emotional impact of a stillborn delivery is profound and multifaceted, often deeply intertwined with stress-related factors that can affect both immediate and long-term mental health. Here’s a closer look at how these stress-related factors manifest and how they impact individuals and families:
1. Immediate Emotional Impact
Grief and Loss: The loss of a baby through stillbirth is a traumatic experience that triggers intense grief. Parents often feel a deep sense of loss, compounded by the sudden end of their hopes and dreams for their child. This grief can be overwhelming, as it involves mourning both the physical loss and the future that was anticipated.
Shock and Disbelief: Many parents experience shock and disbelief after a stillbirth. This reaction can make it difficult to process emotions and begin the grieving process. The sudden and unexpected nature of the loss often leaves parents feeling numb and disconnected.
Guilt and Self-Blame: It is common for parents to experience feelings of guilt or self-blame, wondering if they could have done something to prevent the stillbirth. This can be particularly distressing and contribute to a cycle of negative thoughts and emotions.
2. Stress-Related Factors
Trauma and PTSD: The experience of stillbirth can be traumatic, leading to symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This may include flashbacks of the delivery, nightmares, and heightened anxiety, particularly around situations that remind parents of the loss, such as subsequent pregnancies or being around other babies.
Depression and Anxiety: The emotional toll of stillbirth can lead to significant depression and anxiety. Parents may struggle with feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety about their own well-being and the possibility of future pregnancies. These mental health challenges can persist for months or even years after the loss.
Relationship Strain: The emotional impact of stillbirth can strain relationships between partners. Each partner may grieve differently, leading to misunderstandings or feelings of isolation. The stress of the loss can exacerbate existing relationship issues or create new ones, as each person copes in their own way.
Social Isolation: Parents who have experienced a stillbirth may feel isolated from friends, family, and their community. This isolation can be due to the stigma associated with stillbirth, a lack of understanding from others, or the parents’ own withdrawal as they cope with their grief.
3. Long-Term Emotional and Psychological Effects
Ongoing Grief: Grief after a stillbirth does not have a set timeline and can be a lifelong process. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones that the child would have experienced can trigger renewed waves of grief, making it difficult for parents to move forward.
Fear of Future Pregnancies: Parents who have experienced a stillbirth may face intense anxiety during subsequent pregnancies. The fear of experiencing another loss can overshadow the joy of a new pregnancy, leading to increased stress and hypervigilance.
Impact on Parenting: For parents who have other children or go on to have more children, the experience of stillbirth can affect their parenting. They may become overly protective, anxious, or emotionally distant as they navigate their fear of loss.
4. Coping Strategies and Support
Counselling and Therapy: Access to mental health support, such as counselling or therapy, is crucial for helping parents cope with the emotional aftermath of stillbirth. Therapy can provide a safe space to process grief, work through trauma, and develop coping strategies.
Support Groups: Many parents find comfort in connecting with others who have experienced stillbirth. Support groups, whether in-person or online, offer a sense of community and understanding that can be vital for healing.
Open Communication: Encouraging open and honest communication between partners, as well as with friends and family, can help alleviate some of the emotional strain. It’s important for parents to express their feelings and needs during this difficult time.
Memorialization: Creating rituals or memorials to honour the baby can be an important part of the healing process. This might include creating a memory box, planting a tree, or participating in events that raise awareness about stillbirth.
Conclusion
The emotional impact of stillbirth is profound and far-reaching, affecting parents’ mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Stress-related factors such as trauma, depression, and anxiety are common, but with appropriate support and coping strategies, parents can find a path to healing. Recognising the depth of this grief and providing compassionate care is essential for helping parents navigate the complex emotions that come with such a devastating loss.
(By the way ……my children’s father, and ex husband since 2011, has estranged himself from our 3 children for several years now so my memory of Phillip at this time each year has been a solitary affair).