The Deep Need for Closeness: Honouring Our Biological Design
From the moment a baby is born, they seek closeness. It is not just a preference—it is a biological necessity. We are designed to keep our infants close. Even while we sleep, our bodies instinctively monitor, nurture, and respond to our babies. This proximity is not just about comfort; it is fundamental to their survival, brain development, and emotional security.
Yet, in many modern cultures, we are subtly (or not so subtly) encouraged to separate. We are told that babies need to learn independence early, that holding them too much will spoil them, and that sleeping beside them is a habit that must be broken. But when we look at human biology, evolution, and even our closest animal relatives, we see a very different story—one that tells us that closeness is not a crutch, but a critical part of early development.
Born to Be Close: Why Human Babies Need More Time
Humans are unique among mammals. When a newborn foal enters the world, it can stand within hours. A baby chimpanzee is born with enough neurological maturity to grasp its mother and hold on. Human babies, by contrast, are more helpless in contrast.
Why? Because we are born far earlier in our development than other species. If we were to be born at a similar stage of cognitive and neurological maturity as a newborn chimpanzee, our gestation would need to last 18 to 21 months. Instead, we arrive at just 9 or 10 months, fragile and unfinished, our brains only a fraction of what they will become. This is sometimes referred to as "exterogestation"—the idea that our first year earthside is a continuation of our time in the womb.
This means that, in many ways, our newborns are not yet ready for separation. They still need the warmth, heartbeat, and presence of a caregiver to regulate their developing nervous system. Closeness is not a luxury—it is a necessity.
A Cultural Shift Toward Separation
Despite our biological wiring, many cultures today promote early independence. We’re given permission to be close in the newborn stage, but after that? The pressure begins.
“Is she sleeping through the night yet?”
“You need to put him down more or he’ll never learn to self-soothe.”
“You don’t want her to be too attached to you.”
There is an underlying message: that closeness should be temporary, that responding to our babies' needs too much is a mistake, and that “good” babies should be independent as soon as possible.
But when we step back and look at human history, we see that this is a very recent shift. For most of our existence, babies have been carried, slept close to their mothers, and breastfed on demand. Separation as the default is not the historical norm—it is a modern cultural invention.
Honouring Closeness, Not Extinguishing It
What if, instead of seeing proximity as something to phase out, we saw it as something to honour?
What if we embraced the idea that babies thrive best when they are close to their parents? That holding, carrying, and cosleeping aren’t indulgences, but biological imperatives? What if we stopped worrying that we’re creating bad habits and started trusting in what our bodies and babies already know?
Instead of seeing closeness as something to fix, we can celebrate it.
Because the truth is, we are not just caregivers—we are mammals. Like a lioness with her cubs, we are meant to keep our little ones close, to nurture them, to provide the security they need to grow into confident, capable beings.
So, let’s roar with pride—not just for ourselves, but for our babies, too. Because staying close isn’t just natural—it’s beautiful.
Final Thoughts
Let’s shift the narrative. Let’s trust our instincts. Let’s reclaim what our biology has always known: that closeness is not a weakness, but a strength. Because our babies don’t just want to be close—they need to be. And that is something to be deeply proud of.
